Bald is the new Black…

Happy Sunday all,

The last 5 days have been interesting. With my command on the East Coast I’ve only needed to go into the office sporadically to send them some documents or other minor tasks so I’ve had plenty of time to spend with Crystal and deal with the inevitable occurrence of my hair falling out.

For those curious to know how it feels to have your hair fall out, I can say it is very odd both physically and psychologically. Physically I first noticed something Tuesday night, a pins and needles sensation starting lightly on my scalp. It didn’t hurt, just felt different. When I woke up on Wednesday it had progressed to stronger pins and needles but also my hair just felt… wrong. The best way I can describe it is similar to when you slick your hair down under a hat for a few hours and get “hat hair”, then take the hat off and ruffle your hair. The hair doesn’t want to move and it almost hurts to move it the other direction. It feels like that but even more, like the hair doesn’t even belong there. When you touch it your scalp doesn’t feel like the hair is attached right, like it’s a wig or something. Also Wednesday I could start pulling it out. If I just lightly grabbed a chunk I would get 15-20 hairs, not enough to make bald spots or anything but definitely falling out.

That lasted all Wednesday, just a tingling feeling, and I couldn’t help but fiddle with it and pull out hair. Crystal was not a fan of this as she didn’t like me speeding up the process, but honestly at that point I just wanted to shave it. It didn’t feel right, it was noticeably drier than before, and just didn’t feel like my hair. Many of the cancer blogs I’ve read recommended having a professional shave it since your scalp will be much more sensitive than usual. A men’s salon called Tailored opened next door to us and when I got my hair cut three weeks ago the stylist first talked me out of preemptively shaving my head and told me she’d be honored if I’d let her shave it when the time came. So I walked over and showed her how I could pull out chunks and she was stoked and booked me for the next afternoon.

Thursday morning I went surfing at Garbage North again, a little smaller but just as beautiful. Your board has to be carried on your head on the way down the stairs to prevent smacking it on the railing during the turns so I didn’t even think about it but when I got down to the bottom and lifted it off my head I felt the pull of the wax on my hair. I looked up and saw a solid 4 inch circle of hair stuck into the wax. Uh Oh… I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through the surf session with any hair! My first thought was that Crystal would be pissed because I would have a sunburn on my scalp without any sunscreen… The pins and needles had amplified once again and having the water running through it felt incredibly weird, again like I had seaweed stuck there or something. I didn’t notice any bald spots when I got out but I’m pretty sure Mother Ocean took more then her standard fee on that session.

That afternoon Crystal and I went next door to see Jaclyn my barber. She gave us a hug and handed me a tumbler with a healthy pour of Bulleit bourbon, my kind of place. I took a couple sips to steady myself and then she asked if Crystal wanted first crack with the clippers. Crystal excitedly took up the weapon…

and soon I was half a head less my hair…

Once she had her fill, Jaclyn took over and then switched to the straight razor and soon enough I was looking more like Kelly Slater. She did a wonderful job and is incredibly sweet and supportive of us both. Crystal assured me she liked the bald me more than she thought she would and we went for a celebratory beer.

Now I said it was odd both physically and psychologically, and while I’ve known since the first time I heard the word cancer that I would lose my hair it is still something that gets you. Up to this point other than a few bad days and more pills than I ever thought I would take it has been pretty easy to forget that I have cancer. My day-to-day activities haven’t been affected very much and no-one looks at me any different. Everything I’ve read said 14-16 days after the first round of chemo is when most people lose it so I’ve had plenty of time to come to terms. When the pins and needles began and I knew it was happening it still didn’t phase me much. What got me was when I woke up Wednesday morning and I went in the bathroom and looked in the mirror, the pins and needles were stronger and I reached up and pulled out a chunk of hair.

My breath caught in my throat and I just stood there and stared at it. Pulling out chunks of your hair is just an incredibly foreign and unnerving experience, like the reality of the situation is there in your hand, your body literally falling apart. It just stunned me like getting punched in the stomach. I talked myself through it, I knew this was coming, it’s not a big deal, it will grow back, think how cool Kelly Slater is… and I got over it. Crystal was pretty unnerved by it too, for the first time since the weekend I came home with the news I saw tears in her eyes. I think she felt the same way, obviously she knows I have cancer, but from now on whenever she looks at me it will be staring her back in the face. That is something that is impossible to prepare for. Surfing Thursday morning was clutch, all of that tension and anxiety washed away and afterward I went into the barber totally at peace, well at least enough that bourbon took care of the rest…

We enjoyed the rest of the weekend, got some great Mexican food with Cousin Bobby Sat night in Old Town and watched some good football today. I received no less than 4 more packages with tons of hats and love, so thank you so much to my wonderful sisters and Aunts. Not only are you incredibly sweet, but you all know me just impeccably…

(I figured Kona would be kind of like a parrot, and yes, he is pissed I’m holding him…)

From Harry Potter to R2D2, a very legitimate Jack Sparrow Tricorn to a leather skullcap I’m not sure I have the biceps to pull off these really explore the full range of everything I love and aspire to be in life. Well done ladies, well done.

I’d also like to thank Star for thinking of and making the Rough Seas bracelets.

When I first broke the news to my sisters and parents I was very adamant that I was fine, I appreciate their love and support but don’t need any sympathy or want anyone to do anything crazy. A few days later Star sent me a little email just mentioning that she understands I’ve never been the type to enjoy attention or sympathy, but that a) I shouldn’t be so hardheaded, and b) our family is crazy enough that if we don’t provide the greater family some sort of outlet I can expect people to do something rash like shave their heads. Well I knew she was right, we are a unruly group, and the last thing I wanted was a bunch of unnecessarily baldies running around so she presented me with the idea for the bracelets, easy, subtle, and still a great way for people to show support. Brilliant idea and the design was awesome, so much so that I promptly stole the quote for the banner of this blog. Thanks Star, you’re wonderful.

And now I’m looking at two more days until my second cycle of chemo on Wed. Reactions are less common after the first session and without a hole being cut in my chest before the infusion I’m expecting the day should be a bit more pleasant than the first time around. We are putting together the supplies and Crystal promised she would make some Muddy Buddies (oh man…) so I think we will be good. Going to go in to the office and get the rest of the work I need to get done tomorrow and then planning on surfing Tue for a final cleanse before Wednesday.

One down, five to go, see you all in Cycle 2.