The Final Cycle

Happy January all,

A week and a half into the 6th cycle of chemo now, and this one has been especially difficult. One of the most challenging parts of the whole chemotherapy experience I feel is the repetitive nature of going through the stages of each cycle. You become incredibly aware of how your body feels, you are expected to examine, document, and medicate every discomfort, making you focus on each pang of nausea, each vertigo spell, and all of the various pains. At this point I can draw a map of each cycle and what flavor of awful I will more than likely feel each day. Knowing what is coming next is helpful for medication reasons, but it’s also just damn depressing. Especially since the last sensation I feel at the end of each cycle is awesomeness, my body just beaming and my mind is clear and I really understand and cherish the contrast between feeling good and not. Then I have to calmly walk into the street and stand there with my hands behind my back as the mack truck approaches to obliterate me again. It really becomes a mental game of taking each day at a time and convincing yourself it will get better but knowing it will be worse before it’s better.

Because of this the infusion center has become associated with the start of all those negative feelings. I dread that center. As the day approaches I can’t help but get anxious, I have to take Ativan the day before and the morning of to control it or else my heart races and I can’t sit still. Then when I get to the hospital and the doors slide open the unique smell of cleaning solution and air conditioning hits me and my body is like the dog who realizes that he wasn’t going to the dog park but the vet instead and feels betrayed and begs you to turn around. (Side note: Have I mentioned chemo causes your sense of smell to become super powered? I’m side by side with Kona now, raising my nose up at the slightest wind and sniffing at it. The smell of rubbing alcohol to me is now linked to someone about to stab my chest and pump me full of feel like crap juice, I get instant power-nausea at the slightest hint of it. I have to cover my face at the clinic when they prepare the site of the port or when Crystal uses an alcohol pad before she gives me my filgrastim shot. Even Crystal using nail polish remover in the same room is enough to make me jump.)

I had a lingering cold for the week or so before the session on the 14th so went into it a bit weaker than I normally do. Sitting in the waiting room waiting for the results of the blood test I got to enjoy lots of preemptive nausea and what I now know is an official clinical symptom, a “feeling of impending doom”. My blood numbers were OK so we went ahead with the infusion, which was uneventful other than the fun looks I got from my chair neighbors as a result of my awesome hat.

So that was the last of my chemo sessions, and hopefully the end of my treatments altogether. It has been a bit hard to wrap my head around that since I’ve been feeling so awful for the last week and now I’m deep in the bone pain stage which is giving me a hearty last hurrah. People have been congratulating me and I understand and appreciate the good intentions but I think I will hold off on celebrating until after the three weeks since that will be the true end of the cycle and hopefully the beginning of feeling better permanently. We’ll call the end of chemo on the 4th of Feb, though I will admit knowing there are no more mack trucks of the chemo flavor heading my way is wonderful.

We sat down with my oncologist before the session to discuss where we go from here. The plan is to allow my body time after this cycle to normalize out a bit before we do another PET scan. We scheduled it for the last week of February, that gives me the three weeks of the cycle plus three more weeks to recover a little more. We will sit down with him the first week of March to discuss the results. Ideally we will see normal metabolic activity in my femur and will officially move on to the recovery stage. That basically consists of slowly beginning to work back into my normal routine, he said I can start exercising after the three weeks of the normal cycle as I feel stronger but to take it slow, I plan on starting with swimming and cycling as these are easy to start small and add a little as I feel stronger. I will hopefully start being able to spend more time at the office. The timing of this was as good as it could have been for work, the end of the year was slow for us and we went into holiday stand down mode for a month around Christmas but we are now in full swing again. It is hard for me to leave after a few hours when I have more I’d like to accomplish and hate leaving what should be my work for others to do. This week my boss had to order me out of the office at lunch on Tuesday and then added to not even come in Wednesday. I’ve got people looking out for me so that’s nice but I don’t like feeling like I don’t carry my weight. Frustrating but I’m sure I’ll be able to contribute more soon.

For the longer range if we see no activity on this scan the chances of it coming back are very small, but I will do PET scans every 6 months for the next two years to watch for any recurrence. After that I won’t need routine scans and just need to get checked out if I feel anything different, especially in my lymph nodes. I’ve read that the recovery process is pretty slow, that the effects of the chemo will wear off over the next 6 months or so. It can take 2-3 months for hair to start growing normal again so I think I’ll keep the shaved head thing going until my hair is thicker, no reason to grow out 10 long hairs at this point. My beard will probably be a pretty good indicator though shaving only once a week has been nice.

In other news Crystal and I are really enjoying living in our new place. Having a house with plenty of room really changes things, we buy multiple boxes of cereal at a time, we have had lots of fun outfitting our guest room with furniture, and having a backyard has totally changed the way we play with the dogs and relax. We are setting up a nice outside space with a bench and chairs and even a fire pit, next project is to string some lights. We spend our mornings sipping coffee on the bench and evenings drinking a beer with the fire pit to keep us warm from the harsh 60 degree San Diego winter nights. My grill has come out of its three year hibernation and I realize now how much I missed being able to quickly grill salmon and kebabs and veggie packets. It really is much easier to eat healthy with a grill. The dogs are getting used to the idea of being able to go outside whenever they want and Boomer is even learning to appreciate the finer joy of chasing tennis balls, “real dog” kind of stuff here. Very fun, moving was a pain but definitely the right choice.

Crystal has taken her licensing exam and is now just waiting on her school and the state board to get it together to grant the license. Frustrating to be in a holding pattern where she really can’t apply for a lot of positions without the license and she’s running out of extra certifications to get so is kind of stuck. Good time to dive back into Yoga and I appreciate the company but I know she hates being idle as much as I do. So we’ve been using the extra time to do some gardening! Good wholesome suburban couple activity. We’ve planted some strawberries, tomatoes, peppers, herbs, and yesterday we even got a nice sized lime tree. We’ve loved having an orange tree and having food to pick in our backyard so we are trying to grow more things we can eat. The limes are for the beer though, lets be honest.

Thanks for all the support and I will be sure to update everyone once I get the scan and we know more!

Dave

Everything will be OK in the end,
If it’s not OK,
It’s not the end
-John Lennon